Tina, a forty something mom married to a man 12 years her junior presented to my clinical practice because she said she needed to put some spark into her sex life. With four children under the age of 8, it seemed she had been pregnant, breastfeeding or postpartum for most of her ten year marriage.
She and her husband were hardly intimate and she felt quite badly about this. She loved her husband said they had so much in common but on the rare occasion that they did get back to the bedroom, their sex life was lacklustre to say the least. She said she did not feel anything “down there” and rarely experienced orgasm. The natural thing one would think is that fatigue was a major contributor to Tina’s sorry sex life because that is indeed the number one reason for low sexual desire in women. But it was more than that…….
Tina said she never really enjoyed sex and never had that “Sex in the City” kind of sex anyway. “Who has that?” she wondered. Those who report spicy sex lives are women who are educated well in terms of sexuality, can be vulnerable with themselves or a partner, value their sex lives and most important are comfortable getting naked because body image is key.
When I inquired about the kind of sex Tina was having, she said no longer did they have penetrative sex because she has vaginal dryness. She also told me she was not comfortable having oral sex and therefore her husband never “went down” on her. She did not enjoy giving oral sex either basically because she lacked the skill. I hope they both like vanilla was all I was thinking. Regardless, it was clear that Tina was at a time in her relationship and life that she had a desire to strive for a more robust sex life and after four children was in need of a little sex education.
Tina was curious about how she could improve their sex life as she did not want to perceive herself exclusively as a mother and not a sexual woman. In terms of sex education, Tina had learned that sex was not to be enjoyed and that she should get it over with quickly. She was breaking this sexpert’s heart. Before I could address Tina’s inappropriate education and views on healthy sex, I had to address another health issue of hers. Tina had had four babies in six years and her body went through many hormonal changes, which would impact her vaginal health, the root cause of vaginal dryness and decreased sexual sensation.
The personal moisturizer Repagyn that I recommended for her vaginal dryness contains Vitamin E and Hyaluronic Acid to heal vaginal tissues and keep them youthful. She reported that treatment with Repagyn, “woke her up down there.” She said she started to feel tingling sensations in her clitoris and labia when she thought of making love to her young buck. Her vagina was almost as young again as he was!
Next up (pun intended) was dealing with her fear about sex or great sex. First I was quick to point out the advantages of oral love play. Oral sex when performed on a woman (cunnilingus) is an excellent way of helping her to get sexually aroused and may help to increase her own personal lubrication. If a woman’s partner whether male or female is skilled at oral sex, it is a great way of helping her to experience an orgasm.
Oral sex performed on a man or oral stimulation of a man’s penis (fellatio) is something most men find exhilarating but sadly for many it is no more than the annual birthday gift. Be sure you look your man straight in the eye when performing oral sex and fondle his testicles, I advised Tina. A little “rimming” in other words using her tongue on her husband’s anal rim will add variety for her and increase sensation for him. Rubbing his penile shaft will help and being enthusiastic is critical!
Tina was more comfortable now and felt that oral sex was something she was willing to try on her husband! “Blow out the candles, lucky man, your birthday is coming early! I explained to Tina, that licking her husband’s penis like you’re licking an ice cream cone (in their case vanilla) is a real turn on for a guy and a nice way to begin. Regular rhythm would get her into the groove and get him worked up, sustaining the arousal.
Tina’s husband had occasional erectile dysfunction (yes men in their thirties can get ED) and I explained that oral sex for men with erectile dysfunction may be helpful in that the sucking motion of a person’s mouth may induce or improve an erection. Tina felt better learning how sex is related to health and that her intimate life is vital to a happy and healthy relationship. Sex in the City, here she comes! For more information about how sex is related to health, go to my website backtothebedroom.ca where you will find information on how to order my book: Sex & Health: Why One Can’t Come Without The Other.