For years now a multitude of middle aged men and beyond have presented to my clinical practice with the complaint of low sexual desire in their otherwise healthy wives. They assume that their wives wouldn’t be attracted to any guy. But I maintain that if a hot, fit guy topped their tree, they would indeed be turned on!
These men have no idea why their wives have low sexual desire for them. Granted it’s not easy to keep things exciting in a long term relationship. Not to mention according to research it’s the women who report more boredom in the bedroom. All of these men want to remain married to their wives, because every other aspect of their relationship works. Some had cheated on their wives but others have not and most don’t want to resort to infidelity.
What isn’t surprising is that many of these men have some degree of erectile dysfunction, an unhealthy diet, a ponch, participate in very little exercise and consume alcohol frequently. Some smoke pot. Others are unemployed. I know what you’re thinking….quite the specimen! “Would you want to have sex with you?” I ask. I maintain these wives don’t want to have sex with these men because quite frankly who would?
None of these guys would ever believe that their wives would not be attracted to the specimen of a stud they call themselves. They have no insight into the fact that an aging unhealthy, lazy, potato chip eating, beer drinking guy who can’t reliably get it up past his ponch would be desired by his bride of a million years.
“Why can’t she just love me for who I am?” This is the typical response I get when I suggest he not look to blame his wife for his sorry sex life. They can’t understand. I remind them that the brain is the largest sex organ. Do you think she would have been attracted to an overweight, stressed out guy with a flaccid penis when you first got together? No. You were young, fit and trim, full of vim and vigor. Well you can’t change the aging process but you can have vitality at any age.
So what is the one thing men can do to have more sex with their wives? Take a look at themselves. Do a personal physical inventory? Are you unable to attain and maintain an erection adequate for penetrative sex? Are you overweight? How is your diet? How much sugar do you consume? When was the last time you exercised? How much alcohol do you consume? How is your mood?
Your power tool is the canary in the coal mine and if it’s not drilling in an upward direction, then it may mean issues with your ticker (your heart). Sugar is addictive and inflammatory and it will decrease blood flow. So forget about your wife and focus on you. Change your diet and up your game. Get off the couch and exercise every day. Cut down on your alcohol and eliminate smoking.
Before you begin, get on the scale and also calculate your BMI, Body Mass Index
blood pressure which should be equal to or less than 120/80. Get a baseline of your waistline and watch it shrink while something else appears to grow while on this plan.
You’ll reach new heights and also potentially garner some much appreciated attention from other women. After all, there’s no better aphrodisiac for a woman than when another woman wants her man! (Unless of course, you’re that bad and she’s done with you for other reasons). In the meantime get that blood flowing and your power drill back in motion!
Here is a high protein, low carb, low glycemic index meal plan to help you rev things up again!
Drink enough water based fluids (6-8 cups per day) so that your urine is clear.
One thing you will need is Pam Cooking Spray, Coffee Mate (if you need cream in your coffee and equal instead of sugar).
Hit the supermarket and fill up your cart with:
vegetables (low glycemic)
whole grains
fruits (limited and low glycemic)
non-fat dairy products
beans
lean meats
poultry
fish
Ideas for meals.
BREAKFAST
1 cup of coffee with coffee mate and equal unless you like it black.
1 cup of oatmeal with 1/2 cup of blueberries or raspberries.
or
5 egg white omelette with three low glycemic index vegetables.
SNACK
1/2 cup blueberries, blackberries or raspberries
Salad with no dressing or a very small amount of no or low calorie dressing.
1 protein (chicken breast) or piece of steamed fish)
Saute with cooking spray three low glycemic index veggies, peppers, mushrooms, onions for example
Add Tofu ground round regular (can be purchased at Safeway)
Add chopped tomatoes
Use whatever spices you like to change up the flavours, cilantro etc.
SNACK
1 medium sized apple
6 Regular Breton Crackers
1/2 avocado
DINNER
3 low glycemic index vegetables
1 protein ((chicken or fish)
1 serving of beans
2 servings of lean meat per week
RECIPES
Makes: 4 servings
Serving Size: 1 steak
Preparation Time: 5 minutes
Ingredients
2 med. lemons
2 Tbsp. olive oil
1/4 tsp. salt, divided use
1/4 tsp. pepper, divided use
2 med. zucchinis, halved, and cut into 1/4 half moon shaped pieces
2 med. squash, halved, and cut into 1/4 half moon shaped pieces
12 oz. Crimini mushrooms, caps removed, and sliced into quarters
2 red bell peppers, diced
2 beef tenderloins (8 oz. each), cut into 1-inch cubes
Directions
Preheat oven to 400 F. Juice lemons into a large bowl, discarding seeds. Slowly whisk in 2 Tbsp. of olive oil. Season with 1/8 tsp. salt and 1/8 tsp. pepper. Add the zucchini, squash, mushrooms, and bell peppers into the bowl and mix to combine.
Pat dry the beef with paper towels. Season beef with 1/8 tsp. salt and 1/8 tsp. pepper. Place the beef and the vegetable mixture on the sheet pan lined with foil.
Roast in the oven for 12 to 15 minutes or until desired doneness. Remove from the oven and let rest for 5 minutes. Spoon beef and vegetables onto four dinner plates, and serve.
SALAD IDEAS
Watermelon & Tomato Salad
If you’re not serving it right away, store this juicy salad in the refrigerator. It’s best enjoyed within 24 hours.
Bean Snap Salad
A traditional three-bean salad gets a bright new look and flavor from sugar snap peas. Walnut oil adds richness, but you can also make this recipe with olive oil. If you’re not serving it right away, store this salad in the refrigerator for up to 3 days
See more at: http://www.diabetes.org/food-and-fitness/food/planning-meals/diabetes-meal-plans-and-a-healthy-diet.html#sthash.8EtUtZUx.dpuf
You will need to check with your doctor to ensure this plan is right for you.
Maureen McGrath is a women’s health expert and hosts the Sunday Night Sex Show on News Talk 980 CKNW. She is creator of the blog 50ShadesofPink.ca and has a clinical practice in North Vancouver, British Columbia. She thoroughly enjoys having her trees topped with a good power drill.
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Most women I know would be outraged if a man were to suggest that if his female partner wanted more sex, she should look at herself and ask whether her man would be interested in a woman with saggy tits, orange skin cellulite, and flabby guts from sitting around watching television, drinking wine and eating,chocolate … Etc etc, Adding insult to injury, I could then suggest some,changes in diet and lifestyle that she could follow to lift her game and get the love socket back in action. This is not language that I like, nor would I use it- I am paraphrasing what you wrote to make a point.
My partner is well educated, intelligent but is completely disinterested in sex. i have made several respectful attempts to discuss her disinterest. These attempts seemed unwelcome, so I respectfully refrained from continue asking. I would like to know what the problem is, but not at the price of unwanted intrusion. So I’ dropped the intellectual approach, and tried to improve intimacy. But that resulted in my being admonished for being pushy. Which I certainly was not. I responded that I thought it was just normal healthy desire for a normal healthy and pleasurable activity. The response was surprise that I turned out to be ‘typical and just obsessed with sex’ and ‘if you really want it hop on and get it over with, I won’t mind’. That made me feel so ashamed that In the next eight years I’ve been celibate despite feeling a real desire for intimacy and sex. In that time I’ve managed to distract myself, and to squash the desire with the result that I have no remaining expectation and no ‘power drill’. Yes, I’m healthy and I’m not lazy. I eat well, and am a good cook. I don’t smoke, drink or take drugs, apart from an anti epileptic.
Frankly, like many women, I think I resent being reduced to an object; in fact a stereotype- beer swilling, chip eating tv addict with a broken drill. (As if there are no women who fit this description, sans the broken drill). You are asking me to accept a critique that most women I know would find offensive and a turn off. ‘ ‘Want sex? Heres how I would like you to look.. I,want X, y and z physical features that make you a desirable female, no never mind about the personality… Just come back when you’ve done the diet, improved the appearance and stopped blaming me for not having sex.’ If I said that I think it’s possible I would get my face slapped.
Please explain why it might be acceptable for a woman to speak to me like this while at the same time I am expected to treat women with more respect than this, and stop being ‘obsessed with my genitals’. It doesn’t work- you can’t be simultaneously trying to turn yourself into an attractive stud while simultaneously condemning and eschewing this (now offensive) male posturing. Your writing suggests that males have themselves to blame for being lonely because they lack self reflection and let themselves get ugly. I’m lonely (refer to your TED talk) because I don’t know what is expected of me, and so I fall back on my moral compass for guidance. It’s tempting to think I’m lonely because I’m decent. Intellectually I don’t really believe that, but after eight years and reading columns like this, this what it FEELS like.
A last comment. The writing also seems to suggest that anyone who is not a perfect physical specimen is a priori unattractive and should therefore not expect to have a sexual relationship.
What I have written is not bitchiness- it’s honest writing put forward n the expectation of thoughtful discussion.
Thank you so much Mick for your very honest and detailed account of your relationship. Of course this is part tongue and cheek however many men as do women let themselves go which may decrease sexual attraction. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there are no perfect specimens. Be your best self is my message. Only 10% of the population is self-actualized. There are many aspects of a person that makes them attractive however care for one’s own tomb is critical when is comes to sexual attraction for women. That said, desire discrepancy is very common in a relationship but a sexless relationship (refer to my TEDx talk) is risky and dangerous. I am curious why you think it is OK for you to be in a sexless relationship. I don’t believe it is fair for your partner to impose fidelity on you however I do understand that your moral compass may have led you to celibacy. But really is that fair? You have a right to a healthy sexuality. If it is sex you would like in a relationship, I would make that a priority and discuss with your partner. If she isn’t willing to ignite the flames or enjoy the power of the drill, then it may be time to reassess your relationship. BTW, the same goes for women. I just haven’t written that blog yet. Many men tell me they are no longer attracted to their wives who’ve let themselves go. Thoughts? Happy to continue the discussion.